Why Feelings Should Inform Your Decisions, Not Make Them

One of the most common misconceptions is that emotions are either problems to eliminate or instructions to obey. They are neither. They are information.

Psychologist Susan David describes emotions as "data, not directives." They provide valuable information about our needs, values and environment, but they do not have to dictate our behaviour (David, 2016). Feeling anxious before a presentation does not mean you should avoid it. Feeling angry after receiving feedback does not necessarily mean the feedback was unfair. The emotion is real. The interpretation requires curiosity.

This perspective is reinforced by neuroscientist Lisa Feldman Barrett, whose Theory of Constructed Emotion proposes that emotions are not fixed reactions that simply happen to us. Instead, the brain actively constructs emotional experiences by combining bodily sensations with past experience, context and learned concepts (Barrett, 2017). This suggests that the concepts and language we use to interpret our internal sensations influence how the brain constructs emotional experience. A richer emotional vocabulary creates greater emotional precision, making it easier to regulate our responses rather than becoming driven by them.

Understanding an emotion, however, is only the first step. The next is deciding how to respond. This is a central principle of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), developed by psychologist Steven C. Hayes. Rather than attempting to suppress uncomfortable emotions or allowing them to dictate behaviour, ACT encourages us to acknowledge them, create psychological distance from them, and choose actions that align with our values (Hayes et al., 2012). In other words, we can feel anxious and still speak. We can feel disappointed and still move forward. The emotion is acknowledged, but it is no longer in charge.

Decades of emotion regulation research support this approach. People who acknowledge emotions with openness, rather than suppressing or reacting impulsively to them, consistently demonstrate greater psychological wellbeing, resilience and decision-making under pressure (Gross, 2015). Emotional intelligence, therefore, is not about experiencing fewer difficult emotions. It is about creating enough space between feeling and action to make wiser choices.

A useful question is not, How do I stop feeling this? but What is this emotion trying to tell me? Frustration may signal that a boundary has been crossed. Guilt may reveal behaviour that conflicts with your values. Disappointment often reflects that something genuinely mattered. Even anxiety can sometimes point towards growth rather than danger.

High performers often pride themselves on rational thinking, yet some of the best decisions emerge when emotion and reason work together rather than compete. Emotions provide the data. Values provide the direction. Logic helps determine the next step.

Perhaps emotional intelligence is not about controlling how we feel. Perhaps it begins by recognising that every emotion arrives carrying information. Our job is not to silence the messenger, nor to obey it unquestioningly, but to listen carefully, interpret wisely and choose our response with intention.

References:

Barrett, L. F. (2017). How emotions are made: The secret life of the brain. Houghton Mifflin Harcourt.

David, S. (2016). Emotional agility: Get unstuck, embrace change, and thrive in work and life. Avery.

Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.