The Psychology of Being Yourself: How to Stop Outsourcing Your Self-Worth

Many people live in a quiet tug-of-war between authenticity and acceptance. Wanting to be liked is deeply human - our brains are wired for social belonging. Yet constantly chasing approval can undermine wellbeing, autonomy and long-term satisfaction. Its roots lie partly in Adlerian psychology, which emphasises aligning behaviour with personal values rather than external expectations. Modern behavioural science and self-determination research echo this, consistently showing that genuine autonomy strengthens wellbeing, and that psychological freedom emerges when we stop tying our self-worth to other people’s reactions

Why We Seek Approval

Humans evolved to be highly sensitive to social evaluation. Neuro-imaging shows that rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain, particularly in the anterior cingulate cortex (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). This makes external approval feel oddly essential, even when it compromises our values.

Modern environments amplify this tendency. Social media creates constant opportunities for social comparison, which research consistently links with lower self-esteem and heightened anxiety (Vogel et al., 2014). Approval becomes a currency, and people grow reluctant to risk disapproval even when a different choice would serve them better.

Why Courage Matters

Adlerian psychology introduced the idea that happiness depends on “task separation”- understanding what is your responsibility and what belongs to other people (Adler, 1956). When you attempt to control how others feel or think about you, you step into tasks that can never be yours.

Modern psychology echoes this. Self-determination theory demonstrates that autonomy, acting in alignment with one’s values, is a core psychological need linked with stronger wellbeing, lower stress, and greater life satisfaction (Ryan & Deci, 2000). Acting authentically sometimes invites disagreement or disapproval, but it also strengthens internal stability.

This is where courage comes in. Courage isn’t about rejecting people; it’s about tolerating discomfort while choosing what aligns with your values.

The Mental Health Cost of Over-Approval

Chronic approval-seeking is associated with:

• Higher anxiety and rumination
  People who excessively seek approval experience greater fear of negative evaluation and chronic overthinking (Weeks & Howell, 2012).
  
• Lower self-esteem
  When self-worth depends on others, it becomes unstable and easily disrupted (Crocker & Park, 2004).
  
• Difficulty setting boundaries
  People-pleasing behaviours often emerge from a learned fear of conflict or rejection, undermining long-term relational health.
  

Paradoxically, research suggests people who communicate boundaries are perceived as more trustworthy and authentic over time (Brunell et al., 2010).

Building Psychological Autonomy

You don’t need to become abrasive or indifferent to others. Instead, psychological courage grows through deliberate practice:

1. Separate tasks

Ask: Is this within my control, or is it about someone else’s reaction?
Focusing on your own task reduces emotional load and helps you act with clarity.

2. Anchor to personal values

Values-based action, a core component of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), increases resilience and reduces worry about others’ opinions (Hayes et al., 2006).

3. Practise low-stakes identity risks

Say “no” to a small request, express an honest preference, or share an alternative viewpoint. Gradual exposure reduces anxiety - mirroring CBT principles.

4. Build relational courage

Relationships thrive on honesty, not perfection. Research shows that authenticity increases relationship satisfaction, emotional intimacy and trust (Lopez & Rice, 2006).

5. Reframe discomfort

Discomfort is not danger. It’s often a sign of growth, not wrongdoing.

Choosing authenticity doesn’t require confrontation - it simply means letting your values guide your decisions. When approval stops being the metric for your decisions, the world becomes bigger, choices become freer, and resilience grows.

References:

Adler, A. (1956). The Individual Psychology of Alfred Adler. Harper & Row. (Original work published 1930).

Brunell, A. B., Kernis, M. H., Goldman, B. M., Heppner, W., Davis, P., Cascio, E. V., & Webster, G. D. (2010). Dispositional authenticity and wellbeing: Correlates and consequences of living authentically. Journal of Personality, 78(4), 1353–1381.

Crocker, J., & Park, L. E. (2004). The costly pursuit of self-esteem. Psychological Bulletin, 130(3), 392–414. 

Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why rejection hurts. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294–300. 

Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. 

Lopez, F. G., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Preliminary development and validation of a measure of relationship authenticity. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53(3), 362–371. 

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of wellbeing. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. 

Vogel, E. A., Rose, J. P., Roberts, L. R., & Eckles, K. (2014). Social comparison, social media, and self-esteem. Psychology of Popular Media Culture, 3(4), 206–222. 

Weeks, J. W., & Howell, A. N. (2012). Fear of positive evaluation. Clinical Psychology Review, 32(3), 213–227.